Caregivers, Dementia, the Holidays and a Throwback

by Skip Cohen

Yesterday I caught a post on Facebook that really hit home. Kay Eskridge shared images of her with her Dad. She wrote:

Tonight's visit included a father-daughter cruise around the complex. I kept one hand on his shoulder as we strolled the halls and at one point he reached up and held my hand. For a few moments all my problems left my mind and my heart took over as it filled with love and a sense of protection. Almost as if he KNEW I needed him and that the simple gesture was enough to bring back a sense of peace to my world. Even through the fog of his dementia he KNEW ... I will carry that gesture with me for the rest of my life.

Kay's post got me thinking about my mother's fight with Alzheimer's, which led me to today's post, parts of which I shared in another post many years ago.

The holidays are an incredibly challenging time of year for caregivers. I remember times with my mother when my Dad wanted to return to some of the holiday traditions, but he couldn't find the path. Frustrated because things had changed so much in his life with my mother's Alzheimer's, we had to create new "traditions" and ways to celebrate.

My wife Sheila and my mother had a special bond because of the trust Sheila had established with Mom. She never argued with her, corrected or contradicted anything Mom said. Instead, she just worked to appreciate the moment. That's Sheila with Mom in the image above at dinner one night at holiday time in 2011. In a lucid moment, Mom had a mini-panic attack when she realized how much things were changing. But, two minutes later, just because of the love Sheila shared, Mom was smiling and back on track, enjoying the evening.

The seven tips below were originally published in the Caregiver Resource Center's newsletter from the Senior Friendship Centers here in Sarasota. They were shared many years in the past, but there is no expiration date on ways to reduce stress! They are so crucial to helping caregivers through the holidays.

There was just one more point I want to add, because there are so many of you dealing with dementia with older members of your family. Remember you're not alone in your feelings, the anxiety of the holidays, or in dealing with the challenge of stress. But, most importantly, as a caregiver, you've got to put yourself first, especially with your health. You can't help your loved one if you're not caring for yourself.

Seven Tips to Reduce Holiday Stress for Caregivers

Put together a support network: Include family, friends, community agencies and service providers and get comfortable delegating.

Learn to say ”No:" ‘ No ’ as being self empowering to allow yourself and your care partner the ability to enjoy the holidays in a new way.

Don’t aim for perfection: Be flexible when you need to be and change your expectations to fit the current situation.

Maintain your health: Take care of yourself, take your medications and doctor appointments, exercise when you can and enjoy a moderate holiday menu.

Start your own traditions: Find an alternative way to ease your burdens; create new holiday traditions that respect your needs and your care partner’s needs.

Prepared for the unexpected: It’s the holidays and plans may change and probably will, so what to do?.... change it if you can and if you can’t, accept it and move on. There is so much we are no longer able to control.

Remember to breathe: Some deep breaths will help relieve stress and may help you to find the humor in some situations.