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Baby Boy Christopher - Guest post by Ashley Krapf

2/27/2014

21 Comments

 
Intro by Skip Cohen

I've written a lot over the years about the importance of photographers giving back. Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep is one of those organizations giving you an opportunity to put your skill set to exceptionally good use. They're a pretty amazing group of people.

This is the first post in this series thanks to Christopher's Mother, Ashley Krapf.
Christopher was born still on June 1, 2012, but the way he touched the lives of his family and especially Ashley is remarkable. A big thanks to Vicki Zoller, the photographer. We'll hear from her in a guest post tomorrow!

Note:
NILMDTS is constantly looking for more volunteers. To find out how you can be involved just click on the link above.

Picture
My Story:

I carried my son Christopher until six days before my due date. We found out he no longer had a heart beat and I was induced and delivered him.

The feeling when you find out your baby is gone is like no other. Everything you saw ahead and the life you planned is suddenly gone. You will never hear your baby cry, or change their diapers. You won't feed them or spend the next years of your life teaching them to be a good person. You all of a sudden have nothing to do. 

I had no idea when I first was told he passed, that I would have such an amazing opportunity to have beautiful pictures of him taken that I would cherish forever. Swedish Hospital told me about the NILMDTS photographers. I immediately knew I wanted the pictures done.

Even though it was such a painful time to have a stranger in the room, it was almost like they were there for support as well. Most people I talked to agreed they would have wanted photos too. After all, it is your only time you will ever have with your baby after you dreamed of years to come.

These pictures of my baby not only represent the hard time I went through and the love I have for my son, but the love and support of all our family. Each grandparent and aunt had a picture taken with him as well. When you lose your baby, a lot of times people don't have these beautiful pictures taken.

When I found out, I had said, "I don't want to remember him looking dead." I remember him as perfect as he was ever supposed to be. When I look at those pictures he looks like a peaceful sleeping baby. It's not eerie and I don't have to remember the bad that happened, but how perfect his hands and feet were instead.

NILMDTS has truly been a blessing. I got a chance to see my baby through those pictures how I envisioned seeing him; strong, handsome and at peace. I would tell any photographer who is thinking about joining to most definitely do it. It's so much more than the photography itself. You literally change someone's life. I couldn't be more thankful for Vicki and the photos we forever have because of her.

21 Comments
Susi lawson link
2/27/2014 01:52:13 am

I lost my first child on Christmas Day 1985 in the same way. Her Heart stopped in my 9th month of pregnancy . It was the most painful experience in my life and how I wish I had a photo of my beautiful little girl. She had black curly hair , long beautiful lashes and a little rose bud mouth. I named her Hally Ray after the comet that was passing over at the same time. This is a very special project and so important to the mothers who have to endure such heart break. I will always have a picture in my heart ,but how I wish I had one on my wall to share and celebrate the 9 months of her life..

Reply
Constance Mary link
2/27/2014 06:40:41 am

My Darling Daughter died on May 19th,2009. I now have flashbacks to when I carried her for nine months and 42 years later she died..But her birth and everything after

Reply
jax
2/27/2014 12:34:04 pm

I'm so sorry for your loss. You will touch many strangers who read about Hally Ray and like me I bet they will remember another's heartache long after clicking off this page. Like with all these stories of loss. My warmest regard to you and all who love your precious wee one.

Reply
Sherry Weersing
2/27/2014 05:55:41 am

Beautiful and priceless pictures. I wish all families had access to NILMDTS.

Reply
LAKEN
2/27/2014 05:59:41 am

BREATH TAKING.
HE WAS GOREGOUS AND YOU LOOKED JUST AS AMAZING. YOU CAN TRULY SEE THE BOND IN THIS PICTURE. FOREVER IN YOUR HEART!

Reply
Jozal
2/27/2014 06:04:33 am

I lost my 5th child even though I was only 9 weeks along when I heard the babies heart beat the tech. turned off the sound really fast and when I ask was that the babies heart beat he said you will need to talk to your doctor and later that night I lost my precious baby.

Reply
Glenna Emmert
2/27/2014 06:34:14 am

On Nov. 6; 2012 my daughter gave birth to a beautiful daughter Kinsey Christine. She looked perfect when she was born, but she wasn't. My granddaughter was born with trisomy 18. We knew months before Kinsey was born that the outcome might not be good. My daughter and her husband had a lot of hard decisions to make. My daughter heard about this wonderful organization NILMDTS and the one decision she made was to have the NILMDTS Photographer come in and take photos before, during and after the surgery. We have the most beautiful photos and video of our little Angel. Kinsey was with us for 23 amazing hour and because of these wonderful photographers we have a lifetime of memories. I can't say enough about these wonderful people. I'd like to share Kinsey' s video that these wonderful photographers made for us utubekinseychristinewoodford Hugs to all Glenna

Reply
sue Keller
2/27/2014 06:57:15 am

Our great granddaughter Savannah Joy was born October 9, 2013. She had anacephaly and lived three minutes. We will never forget how much love she brought to our family. She is now in heaven with her grandma Wendy.

Reply
Lisa
2/28/2014 03:37:41 pm

Just saw the video...beautiful precious baby!

Reply
Brittany
2/27/2014 06:38:55 am

This is so precious! I have twins an we almost lost them at 20 weeks i had surgery while pregnant to stitch my cervix up so they wouldnt make their appearance yet. I couldnt imagine lossing a child. My heart hurts for you n your precious angel but the lord had different plans for the both of you! But id do the same id take a lot of pictures wit them. Id say a lot of moms wished they knew bout NILMDTS..rest in peace beautiful boy you have gained your angel wings! Fly high babyboy! <3

Reply
Patty mcnally
2/27/2014 06:51:55 am

Ashley Krapf is my daughter. Being at the hospital knowing that your grandson didnt make it was the worse experience ever. But I have beautiful pictures of him and I will never forget. Ashley making the choice to have his picture taken of him was the besy. I will never forget my grandson and to have the pictures of him is a blessing!

Reply
Tywana Liles
2/27/2014 07:46:55 am

These were precious, and I will be praying for healing, even though you cannot feel it today.
God Bless

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Darlene Doust
2/27/2014 10:31:14 am

What a beautiful pic . I lost my first son he lived for 12 hours full term .back then you didnt get photos .that was 1979 even though I have more children I miss him every day and wonder what he would be like . I truly hope your doing ok and these photographers are amazing rip little man

Reply
Autumn
2/27/2014 12:12:12 pm

This is amazing, my nephew was born early with a low success of survival rate. They were hoping to do surgery after birth but found out that there really was nothing that would help him. He lived only 3 hrs. My family and i were not able to make it to see him while he was alive. Thankfully my brother was able to see his son before he passed. When we got to the hospital, we held him but nobody thought to take pics of him.we did have an awesome nurse who thought to take pics when he was still alive.

Reply
Gloria Cantrell link
2/27/2014 12:54:35 pm

my niece had a beautiful baby girl, full term. she lived about 4 hrs and the only pictures she has of beautiful Julie Rain were taken on a cell phone, but at least she has that.My heart goes out to each and everyone of you who has lost an angel.

Reply
Elizabeth Sterling
2/27/2014 02:23:54 pm

My Grandson passed away on 1/14/14 after 37 days of life. He was born with CDH. I can't say enough about this organization. The photographer that came was so kind and just a beautiful person.

Reply
Donna Parsons
2/27/2014 02:25:09 pm

Today, of all days for me to see this, is my born still granddaughter's birthday; she would have been 5; she didn't make it to a full 9 months, only 7; mom had been flighted to a major hospital for what she thought was going to be a C-section because her blood sugar had spiked but when she got there they got it under control and were just keeping her for observation but she's the one who no noticed she seemed to be no longer moving and/or could no longer detect her heartbeat (not sure, can you do that); anyway, I believe she told them and asked for an ultrasound; anyway they did one and that's how she found out; I thought they would go ahead and do a C-section at that point; I didn't know they induce and have you deliver; she was still up there by herself at that point; I'd thought son was going on up but for whatever reason (and he's a lot better now; this was their first but anyway) he hadn't and I was trying to get there but had things going on; we were both, in different directions, 5 hrs. away, but when she called about that, I headed on my way, as did he, her mom and aunt (her mom was disabled) but it still took another 3 days and then they had to finally break her water.
Anyway a dear friend found out immediately (not sure who called and told her, me or her but anyway) and called and told us about NILMDTS and actually made all the arrangements - the hospital knew about them but not sure they would have gone to that extent though they did bring in a small digital camera to take pics but in no way would they be the same - or tried to, bhh, but the photographer had a broken leg and couldn't get there and they couldn't get another; sad thing is by that point mom had had her heart set on them so I was heartbroken, so here we go now; I ended up being transport person to take precious cargo back the 5 hrs. to hometown, which as I got there, realized I would have to go right by the local hospital so thought came to just stop by and see if they knew about the program. As I went in I saw all the pictures of newborns and don't think I was even thinking about them being live and my situation being different; you know, what's yours begins to seem as if it's everybody's, anyway I stopped and asked; now, this may be getting away from this particular organization because it turned out, that though he knew of it, he was not affiliated with it, but they did know the local photographer who did the pix there and thought he might be amenable to doing something for us. The question now would be where.
So I'm on my way now to deliver my precious cargo and asked them about it and so glad that even though they'd never heard of such a thing, let alone done it, they were open to the idea. So called the photographer and so was he; he just would need an assistant he felt; not sure, haven't gotten the idea the NILMDTS ones do but then they are more familiar with it and too I believe the situation would be a little different; well, I couldn't do it, long story, but due to a real interesting set of circumstances, not the least of which I'd forgotten to mention, that while I was with her in the hospital this particular person had notified me as well of NILMDTS and sent me another - not this one - article about it so was glad to tell them I already knew about it and we had been planning to do it at that point, so when I contacted them regarding this situation wasn't a problem for them at all and his girlfriend was delighted, truly, not just amenable, to be able to be a part.
So I was so glad to be able to tell mom that we would be able to have the pictures after all and just so glad she was able to handle having it done with these, what to her, were strangers, that I'd pulled together, and with me not being able to be there for her; she normally didn't do too well in these situations and especially after having just given birth, can you imagine? Of course I wasn't there so I don't know exactly how but it seemed by the way she told me later that she felt that such support from this total stranger and as a first time mom she wanted those pictures so much. I don't think I realized they would take them of her with her, as well as of her by herself; they are so beautiful.
And they're not morbid at all; they look like she's just sleeping; now not entirely sure about NILMDTS but do believe to get that look (maybe, but maybe just if they'd been taken in the hospital) they were somewhat retouched but in this situation I'd rather have that done than have them at least as I remember her being early on at least before anything was done to her.
Again, hope this isn't too long and hope okay that this wasn't a NILMDTS photographer but the photos truly were a blessing and yes, I would encourage any photographer to allow themselves to be a part of this. We are so glad we have her picture and especially to be able to say that on this, what would have been her 5th birthday.

Reply
Velaine Curlile
3/1/2014 05:26:05 am

My daughter was full term with a full head of hair and perfectly made body. My doctor would not let me see her but my husband did and that is what he told me about her. On October 20, 1958 Edith Kay became part of lives. We don't have any pictures except that of a small white casket. How I wish I could have held her or at least had a picture. Things were different then and the only words of "comfort" were, "don't worry you can have more". It is good to know that now grief counseling happens and taking pictures is part of it all.

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holly Hensley link
3/3/2014 05:10:36 pm

What an amazing person you are!!! All of you! My best friend lost her baby at 16 wks after 22 years of trying and then another at 6 wks. How very touching and therapeutic this is:)

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Whitney
3/8/2014 05:59:13 am

I am a 23 year old who has had 2 miscarriages and has gave birth to a healthy beautiful daughter. I lost my daughter back in October almost 5 months ago. Although, I gave birth to her and was able to share the first 3 months with her, God decided he needed my beautiful, healthy baby.
I remember the day that I got the phone call saying Peighton was found blue in her bassinet. She didn't pass right away. Instead she started breathing again and we spent the next week at Riley hospital watching over her as she had seizure after seizure. We tried doing everything we could to get her seizures to stop but everything that started to work only lasted so long and then we ran out of options. She was put in a medically induced coma and given so many different kinds of medications. Nothing seemed to be helping.
When we got the news that they were all out of options we decided that it was best if she just found peace. I didn't want to see my baby girl leave but I knew I didn't want her to be suffering anymore than she was. I don't know if she was in pain but I knew I didn't want to keep my baby hooked up to the ventilator and watch her like that for the rest of her life.
All the seizures she had were taking a toll on her. They got to the point where they were like 20 secs apart with maybe a 2 min break if we were lucky in between each one. Her brain was completely damaged and she wasn't going to be able to do anything on her own after all the strokes had done to her brain.
I took pictures everyday there at the hospital. She was hooked up to all kinds of machines. She didn't look as peaceful as these pictures are. She had marks from the machines and tubes. Her little body was so bloated from being so still and motionless for so long. But I'm really glad I did take them. I have pictures of my daughter throughout her 3 month lifespan but I am so glad people were able to capture the really emotional pictures. It was part of my baby girl's life and I don't want to forget a thing. I don't want to forget her smile, her little giggle, or the really hard last days we spent with her. I did get to know my daughter as best as I could. I did get a feel of her personality. But it kills me everyday not seeing her grow, not touching or kissing her, never hearing her cry, the list goes on and on.
But we have to stay strong! It's all a part of a bigger plan. And you have to have faith that you will see them again. And I know for a fact that they will be 100% healthy and happy. And more than excir6ed to meet tou again.

Reply
dusty ives link
9/28/2015 04:23:20 am

Hey I dont you but I read your story In iam sorry for your lost..iam a single father of my2 yr old son cole tucker ives. He is my best friend my everything. .everything I do is for him but if I was to find out that his heart stopped while he was in his mom idk what I would do I would go crazy it makes me sad n upset to even think about it..but I just wanna say you are a very strong woman n its truly amazing that your strong enough to share your story with your friends on fb n the world with people you dnt even know like myself. .and those pics you had taken are amazing its probably the best thing you could have done? I just think so cause now you can remember him more even though it probably hurts seeing those pictures. .but anyways iam sorry for your lost n thank you for sharing your story n thank your for letting me express my feelings n opinions..hope I didnt say anything disrespectful. .godbless..dusty ives n cole tucker ives

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